Pretty Lights - Around The Block feat. Talib Kweli (Official Music Video)

I LOVE Pretty Lights

Spring tug of war

It's spring, a time of fresh starts, out with old, in with the new...
I have been thinking a lot about the pressures of life. Most often people talk about how hard it is to be a woman or all the pressures of being a man. I say to hell with the sexist bullshit. It is hard enough to be a person in general! I am 21, and by this point society would have me graduating college (most likely to head to grad school), at least engaged (because God forbid you are not forever tied to a someone by the age of 25) and self established (financially). And none of this even  includes all of the pushes and shoves of knowing your belief system.
politics.
religion.
charity.
controversial issues..

My "fresh start" is more like a start from scratch. I spent my whole life listening to what other people thought I should think. Just saying that makes me feel ridiculous...


I am lost unto myself because I no longer have anyone telling me what to think, say, do, or how to act anymore. My mind has been poked, prodded, and force fed for 20 years and suddenly...it stops, cold turkey. What now? Where the hell do I start? How do I overcome my immense feeling of regret on all the dumb decisions I have ever made (that I now have too much time to think about)?
I remember oldest part of those days and how pleasant they seemed.Childhood, haha, no worries, "hakunamatata" to the fullest. Everything was amazing and I wanted to know how it all worked.
Why did that change? Why have I spent the last 6 years or so just existing in the shallowest parts of life where sex, beauty, high social status, and pop culture were the most momentous constituent of everything I did? Now that none of it matters nearly as much, I feel vacant and guilty; because as much as it doesn't matter, as mature as I have become, all of those things were a major part of the person I used to be and kind of still am.






So yet again, readers, I am at a conflicting crossroad where who I was, who I should be, and who I actually am are all fighting to the death in a teeth baring, hair pulling, bitch fight. Who do you think will win? 

To start.

I'm starting this blog with an introduction. This is my daughter Ava Rose...
I put her first because she is the beat of my heart, the essence of my soul, and the cheesy little apple of my eye. She just turned one and I am doing everything I can to balance the two conflicting lifes that I desire.... The one where I do any and everything I want, whenever I want; and the other one where I am the existential model of perfection as far as mothers go. You (or I should say 'I') can not have both. Something I learned, fought, and accepted is that children take charge of  your life. It's not their fault they are so greedy as to want want want or even that they lack the capacity to simply survive if left alone for longer than 10 minutes. No, it is not their fault but that doesn't mean us mothers, who love and adore our ever needing children, do not go  mildly insane....

So where does that leave me and you (my lovely readers)? Well you are meeting me smack in the middle of an identity crisis. This blog is about finding....something. I don't know what yet, I do know that I know nothing at all. I know that everything I previously desired is slowly melting into a giant puddle of seemingly useless mush. I know that I am lost.
On that note, introducing me, Noelle. Flawed, troubled, and simply in pursuit of happiness like the rest of humanity.