selfish/selfless/dreams

Selfishness:

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. 

This comes off so negatively but you know what I think?  I think there are two sides to this hefty coin in the wallet of personality... There's the mean, egotistical, stubborn, careless selfishness, right? (we shall call this the "tails" side of the coin) Then there's the healthy, self-aware, minimalistic, careful selfishness (this is the "heads"). Human beings are born with an innate sense of selfishness. As babies we cry when we are hungry, need affection, or comfort regardless of our care takers schedule, sleep deprivation, or financial situation; and we do this until the day we learn to take it upon ourselves to tend to our own needs. The circle of life... nature... biology... call it what you will but it is essentially the very essence of selfishness. 

Selflessness:

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

In our everyday lives it is impossible to truly be "selfless". If you were to be the very essence of the definition quoted above then you, my friend, wouldn't survive for very long. No, so instead we perform selfless acts: volunteering, donations, charity, or even fasting are great examples... but what about on a much smaller scale? I've been teaching myself about various religious beliefs and their values and one of the number one aspects that keeps popping up is "selflessness"... It intrigues me. It almost seems as if having your own personal interest at heart is continually frowned upon; but, isn't that how you achieve happiness? Isn't that how you live through experience or discover yourself?

I have been told all too many times throughout my life that I am selfish. Apparently I don't think nor care about others and I believed them; in fact, there was a time that I did what I could to prove it to them. I wasted a good amount of my life "being selfish" (in the "tails" type of way) because people expected me to anyway and you know what that led me to? Nothing... pure emptiness. I spent so much time embodying or desperately avoiding this characteristic that everyone told me was so terrible that I knew not who I really was. After I committed what I think is one of THE most selfless acts by taking on the challenge of being a single mother to my wonderful Honey Bee, I realized that I had not only lost myself up to that point but I had also lived this vacant life full of "what ifs" and unfulfilled dreams. Now I battle this plague better known as regret...

I guess my point is that there will always be voices, opinions, rules, and ideas on how to "improve your life", and it's silly. Only you can improve your life, know why? Because only you know what "life", or "path", or "direction", resides in your dreams; you just have to decide whether you will go after those dreams or if you will let someone else tell you what dreams are acceptable...

Happ-I-ness

Today my question is "what does happiness mean?"
When you think about it, "happy" means something different to different people. Much like the idea that we create our own worlds, our own luck,  our own opportunities, we also create our own idea of happiness. I was reading a post on the Spirit Science Facebook page about happiness and with  this I had a revalation.
We worry so much about finding someone that MAKES us happy; the perfect human being that knows the "right" things to say, the "right" moves to make, and with the "right" timing. Doesn't that sound hard? Almost impossible I would say. --you can not find a person to make you happy-- That's it. My  revelation.
When you entrust your happiness in someone else's hands, they will only be careless with it. Know why?
Well, easy, it's not their happiness... It effects them on a miniscule level because in the end of the day, before they go to sleep they do not have to think about it.  You're saddness, problems, and any general thing involved in your happiness.That burden falls on your shoulders alone and until you realize this, it is something that can hold you back from some of the most beautiful aspects of living.
It is time to open your eyes, you can not expect for someone to make you happy, only you can make you happy. Only  you  can truly know your heart's desires. Before you break under the imminent societal pressure of settled life, marriage, and  soul mates, discover yourself. Make you happy. When you are in control of your smile then only you can take it away; everyone and thing else is simply an added bonus or, on a negative note, a distraction.
How or where do you start? When?
Start small, if you must. an hour or two a day of "you time". Alone. Be it music, art, fitness, writing... Do something enjoyable and stress relieving, NOT distracting. Reflection is key. (if you read my other posts,this is a great time to find your passion.) And no excuses; you ALWAYS have time to make yourself happy.
Finally, start now.

You have so much potential.... potential to live life to the fullest, to change it, to BE...
So, dear readers... what is happiness in the world of "you"?

Pretty Lights - Around The Block feat. Talib Kweli (Official Music Video)

I LOVE Pretty Lights

Spring tug of war

It's spring, a time of fresh starts, out with old, in with the new...
I have been thinking a lot about the pressures of life. Most often people talk about how hard it is to be a woman or all the pressures of being a man. I say to hell with the sexist bullshit. It is hard enough to be a person in general! I am 21, and by this point society would have me graduating college (most likely to head to grad school), at least engaged (because God forbid you are not forever tied to a someone by the age of 25) and self established (financially). And none of this even  includes all of the pushes and shoves of knowing your belief system.
politics.
religion.
charity.
controversial issues..

My "fresh start" is more like a start from scratch. I spent my whole life listening to what other people thought I should think. Just saying that makes me feel ridiculous...


I am lost unto myself because I no longer have anyone telling me what to think, say, do, or how to act anymore. My mind has been poked, prodded, and force fed for 20 years and suddenly...it stops, cold turkey. What now? Where the hell do I start? How do I overcome my immense feeling of regret on all the dumb decisions I have ever made (that I now have too much time to think about)?
I remember oldest part of those days and how pleasant they seemed.Childhood, haha, no worries, "hakunamatata" to the fullest. Everything was amazing and I wanted to know how it all worked.
Why did that change? Why have I spent the last 6 years or so just existing in the shallowest parts of life where sex, beauty, high social status, and pop culture were the most momentous constituent of everything I did? Now that none of it matters nearly as much, I feel vacant and guilty; because as much as it doesn't matter, as mature as I have become, all of those things were a major part of the person I used to be and kind of still am.






So yet again, readers, I am at a conflicting crossroad where who I was, who I should be, and who I actually am are all fighting to the death in a teeth baring, hair pulling, bitch fight. Who do you think will win? 

To start.

I'm starting this blog with an introduction. This is my daughter Ava Rose...
I put her first because she is the beat of my heart, the essence of my soul, and the cheesy little apple of my eye. She just turned one and I am doing everything I can to balance the two conflicting lifes that I desire.... The one where I do any and everything I want, whenever I want; and the other one where I am the existential model of perfection as far as mothers go. You (or I should say 'I') can not have both. Something I learned, fought, and accepted is that children take charge of  your life. It's not their fault they are so greedy as to want want want or even that they lack the capacity to simply survive if left alone for longer than 10 minutes. No, it is not their fault but that doesn't mean us mothers, who love and adore our ever needing children, do not go  mildly insane....

So where does that leave me and you (my lovely readers)? Well you are meeting me smack in the middle of an identity crisis. This blog is about finding....something. I don't know what yet, I do know that I know nothing at all. I know that everything I previously desired is slowly melting into a giant puddle of seemingly useless mush. I know that I am lost.
On that note, introducing me, Noelle. Flawed, troubled, and simply in pursuit of happiness like the rest of humanity.