I have been thinking a lot about the pressures of life. Most often people talk about how hard it is to be a woman or all the pressures of being a man. I say to hell with the sexist bullshit. It is hard enough to be a person in general! I am 21, and by this point society would have me graduating college (most likely to head to grad school), at least engaged (because God forbid you are not forever tied to a someone by the age of 25) and self established (financially). And none of this even includes all of the pushes and shoves of knowing your belief system.politics.
religion.
charity.
controversial issues..
I am lost unto myself because I no longer have anyone telling me what to think, say, do, or how to act anymore. My mind has been poked, prodded, and force fed for 20 years and suddenly...it stops, cold turkey. What now? Where the hell do I start? How do I overcome my immense feeling of regret on all the dumb decisions I have ever made (that I now have too much time to think about)? I remember oldest part of those days and how pleasant they seemed.Childhood, haha, no worries, "hakunamatata" to the fullest. Everything was amazing and I wanted to know how it all worked.
Why did that change? Why have I spent the last 6 years or so just existing in the shallowest parts of life where sex, beauty, high social status, and pop culture were the most momentous constituent of everything I did? Now that none of it matters nearly as much, I feel vacant and guilty; because as much as it doesn't matter, as mature as I have become, all of those things were a major part of the person I used to be and kind of still am.
So yet again, readers, I am at a conflicting crossroad where who I was, who I should be, and who I actually am are all fighting to the death in a teeth baring, hair pulling, bitch fight. Who do you think will win?
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